okay, so I am pretty sure we all have felt like the outsider once in our life at least (...or even more frequenlty for some poor souls...)...like when ur parents are having the "grown-up" talk or when u meet friends of a friend, whilst they share an insider joke....
And m sure most of them are not on purpose. But it makes me wonder...am i really 'in'? Do i really have friends or a just a bunch of people i hang around with,.. no offenses to any of my existing pals/sons/nemsis...
here's what I feel....at times...
The outsider
I feel like the outsider, who hopes to belong,
I feel like the little kid, who waits to be involved,
I feel left out, on purpose at times,
I feel forgotten, which worsens my wounds,
At times I feel like a horrible person,
With me, nobody wants to be,
Sometimes I wish I was invisible,
And I realise I already am.
I feel inadequate, when he’s around,
I feel unhappy, when I have to sit it all out,
I feel unsure about my demeanour,
Sometimes I feel angry at my sense of humour,
So many times I stayed away,
So that I can be out of his way,
And I see the appreciation when I do so,
And now I know what he wants me to do.
Meghna....
March 3rd, 2008.
A slightly abriged version on my orkut profile...because I use 'he' in a very loaded sense- he is all of you. He is humanity, if it still exists.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Assumptions
I love assumptions. I always did, as I realised today. Only I didn’t/ couldn’t put a finger on it. I used to, when faced by a seemingly silly situation, go into a monologue which sounded something like this, “what exactly is he/she/they thinking?” or “does he/she think I have nothing better to do in my free time than to talk about him/her with XYZ”. And in most probability these questions would be followed by an “As If!!!”.
I think this derives from my interest in psychology- I like to know how, why and what people think; how they reach conclusions which seem logical to them but utterly senseless and even hideous in many-a-situations.
Since I have given the historical framework (yawn!!) for my fascination with assumptions lets get our hands dirty. The assumptions I am rambling about, that happened this morning, were that of a professor. For the sake of creating an utter chaos and dis-clarity in your heads I shall call this professor as A. After having discussed my abysmal performance in class, ‘it’ (continuing with my effort to confuse you!!)…’it’ enquired about my summer placements. Maruti, I replied with great pride only to be met with a self-satisfying smirk and an almost snide remark about if I had landed that through a personal contact.
And the fun part was that there wasn’t even an ‘or’ followed by the question. There was no doubt in A’s head about my inability to score a good company for myself. And yes, it does seem I’m stretching it out of proportion, but let’s consider the case facts. It knows that I am a lacklustre performer. It knows my father can, if needed, can get me a decent enough placement. And the framing of the question itself. Better option after asking ‘where’ could have been ‘how’. Simple, sweet, non-humiliating.
And hence, the assumption was : this gal ain’t one of them HiPo’s, although she is a HIPPO!!! Must have had her dad pull some good strings…who else, why else would someone take her. OUCH!!!!!
Hypothesis interest me. And I interest some peculiar hypothesises.
Meenu sad :(
*Meenu-reference: Innu (taare zameen par blog!!!)
I think this derives from my interest in psychology- I like to know how, why and what people think; how they reach conclusions which seem logical to them but utterly senseless and even hideous in many-a-situations.
Since I have given the historical framework (yawn!!) for my fascination with assumptions lets get our hands dirty. The assumptions I am rambling about, that happened this morning, were that of a professor. For the sake of creating an utter chaos and dis-clarity in your heads I shall call this professor as A. After having discussed my abysmal performance in class, ‘it’ (continuing with my effort to confuse you!!)…’it’ enquired about my summer placements. Maruti, I replied with great pride only to be met with a self-satisfying smirk and an almost snide remark about if I had landed that through a personal contact.
And the fun part was that there wasn’t even an ‘or’ followed by the question. There was no doubt in A’s head about my inability to score a good company for myself. And yes, it does seem I’m stretching it out of proportion, but let’s consider the case facts. It knows that I am a lacklustre performer. It knows my father can, if needed, can get me a decent enough placement. And the framing of the question itself. Better option after asking ‘where’ could have been ‘how’. Simple, sweet, non-humiliating.
And hence, the assumption was : this gal ain’t one of them HiPo’s, although she is a HIPPO!!! Must have had her dad pull some good strings…who else, why else would someone take her. OUCH!!!!!
Hypothesis interest me. And I interest some peculiar hypothesises.
Meenu sad :(
*Meenu-reference: Innu (taare zameen par blog!!!)
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Death of a Dream
Okay, so here is a 'rare' dedication: -this song... I orignally wrote this about a year ago, when my CAT Scorecard came in, which wasnt exactly the best reflection of my talents ;)
But today I dedicate this not to my scorecard, but to me, and to the chosen few who have heard this song, and to the minority who even liked it. And with this I wish to toast "the begining of the end" of a certain hegemony.
Death of a dream
How does it feel when something inside you dies,
Nobody knows when your soul cries.
You live wishing you could be happy for a little while,
You muster up all your strength just to smile.
People want their pain to leave, but I’m different,
You see, pain is my Sheppard,
It’ll take me to my destiny,
I just hope it’s not as painful as the journey.
The death of a dream is a hard fact to face,
But dying dreams are a part of my reality, my space,
I cry a little when I am alone,
I guess everyone has heard me doing so.
I cry the day to end, and I cry for it to begin.
I cry when people look at me,
And I’ll cry if they didn’t.
Oh what a blessed day, oh what a blessed night,
Oh, why this blessed life is such a fucking delight!
5 feb, 2007.
9 pm
Saturday, February 23, 2008
A Question about Love....
wrote this when I was 18... I have grown since but these questions still hold true... And I still search for the answers... But more importantly I search...STILL...
An amalgamation of love songs
If I close my eyes,
Will you be there?
If I went forever,
Will you be scared?
After all this and more,
Will you still care?
When I ask you,
To clutch this moment,
For ever and never let go,
Can you see, feel, touch,
And yet never show?
And yet never…..
I wish I could explain,
But then, even I don’t know.
Why is this happening,
To us, you and me,
With it, when you have,
Nothing to do,
Why am I torturing you,
You ask,
Why are you,
Is the answer I give you.
8th October 2003.
Previously known as “questions”
If I close my eyes,
Will you be there?
If I went forever,
Will you be scared?
After all this and more,
Will you still care?
When I ask you,
To clutch this moment,
For ever and never let go,
Can you see, feel, touch,
And yet never show?
And yet never…..
I wish I could explain,
But then, even I don’t know.
Why is this happening,
To us, you and me,
With it, when you have,
Nothing to do,
Why am I torturing you,
You ask,
Why are you,
Is the answer I give you.
8th October 2003.
Previously known as “questions”
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I didnt know...
Love teaches you a hell lot of things....here's what I learnt!!!
I didn’t know…
I said I didn’t know love till I knew you,
But I didn’t even know hate, till I knew you,
Cos I haven’t yet seen such despise in anyone’s eyes,
That I see now in yours and in mine.
In reality I knew nothing up till now,
I didn’t know jealousy, I didn’t know faith,
I didn’t know anger, I didn’t know insanity,
I had never been driven to such lengths.
I hadn’t known the malevolence of my soul,
The ugly soul that I have, the evil thoughts it harbours,
I didn’t know the weakness of my character,
The coward that is I, the way it wants you to suffer.
I didn’t know I was going to fall for someone,
For someone so wrong, someone I would never have,
And be bruised for life, shattered and broken down,
I didn’t know I would learn and abandon love.
I didn’t know that you really haven’t lived until,
You have loved someone with all your heart and soul,
I didn’t know the emptiness within me, the hollow me,
The incomplete I was waiting for you to make me whole.
Funny thing about that is now I am emptier than before,
Burnt, scared, and determined never to fall again,
Enraged and vengeful, almost proud of my new self,
And so I choose a life of not happiness but pain.
31st January 2008.
Something snapped inside of me; can’t figure out what it is.
I didn’t know…
I said I didn’t know love till I knew you,
But I didn’t even know hate, till I knew you,
Cos I haven’t yet seen such despise in anyone’s eyes,
That I see now in yours and in mine.
In reality I knew nothing up till now,
I didn’t know jealousy, I didn’t know faith,
I didn’t know anger, I didn’t know insanity,
I had never been driven to such lengths.
I hadn’t known the malevolence of my soul,
The ugly soul that I have, the evil thoughts it harbours,
I didn’t know the weakness of my character,
The coward that is I, the way it wants you to suffer.
I didn’t know I was going to fall for someone,
For someone so wrong, someone I would never have,
And be bruised for life, shattered and broken down,
I didn’t know I would learn and abandon love.
I didn’t know that you really haven’t lived until,
You have loved someone with all your heart and soul,
I didn’t know the emptiness within me, the hollow me,
The incomplete I was waiting for you to make me whole.
Funny thing about that is now I am emptier than before,
Burnt, scared, and determined never to fall again,
Enraged and vengeful, almost proud of my new self,
And so I choose a life of not happiness but pain.
31st January 2008.
Something snapped inside of me; can’t figure out what it is.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
To Be With Him....
Okay, so tis the night before Valentine....
and i just need to celebrate everything and anything that comes my way....
so here's dedicating this poem for the believers and non-believers!!
TO BE WITH HIM
That chiselled body, that enduring smile,
To be with him, I’d walk a thousand miles.
To be with him, I’d give my all,
Just to be there when he wakes up and yawns.
I’d destroy myself for him, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
And rise like the phoenix, just to be able to press my nose to his chest.
The shakier his hand gets, the stronger I will be.
Every time he thinks he stands alone, my heart will bleed.
I live for the moments that take my breath away,
Ever since he came, that’s been happening everyday.
To be with him, I’ll do everything it takes,
I’ll stay away from him too; burn my love at the stakes.
My addiction grows every day,
My affliction pains even more,
My love stays oblivious,
Of his own allure.
Meghna
2nd nov, 2007.
11 pm
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
iJargon...
Here are a few terms that I have come up with through my experiences and experiments with the human interactions that I so seldom have.
Relationship Schizophrenia:-
Schizophrenia, FYI, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction. Onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the patient's self-reported experiences and observed behavior.
So basically you are hallucinating but about relationships. That means you would assume you would have certain level of relationship with someone while from their side it does not exist. It only exists in your head. E.g., thinking you are close to a person when you are not. Also to hear what you want to out of those people. Like if they try to say that they can care for another person and not you, and that there is a difference in their behaviour about the two of you, you misconstrue it as they care about you and not the other person. Their subtlety and compassion will be concocted as love, affection, companionship.
So while in your mind the standard of friendship is different. Again refer to the last bit of the definition- onset is young adulthood. Since this phenomena of RS is related mainly to love and friendship, I think the age frame is appropriate.
Also, you will in most probability not realise that you have this till you have the proof of the same, i.e., it has to be pointed out to you.
Psychological Elbowing:-
A term I picked up from basketball, or is at least closest to. Elbowing would be trying to upset the other team’s player who is checking you by thrusting/ shoving your elbow into his ribs or stomach or face. The idea is to irritate him, to push him out of his comfort zone, to upset his focus. Basically it’s doing whatever is necessary to secure your point/position.
Hence when you want you opponent to be pushed to their limit you use PE. You use psychological warfare, only with a difference. You try to edge the guy out. You use the old ‘sarcastic off hand comment’. You are messing with his head. And he knows that. You try to upset him by being patient with him or by being friendly to him. Worse, you are friendly to his friends. He gets the same feeling that he would have if he was elbowed in the stomach. His body convolutes and he has pretty much lost his appetite. Sounds horrible doesn’t it. It is. Believe me. Having had used this I know its pretty hard living with yourself if you do employ this technique. But it also is very efficient. I did PE the person out in about a week and they had to answer back.
So I suggest use this only in great need.
Okay so a word of advice here, the above stated theories are for (private) enjoyment. Do not judge me on it or worse question me on it.
Relationship Schizophrenia:-
Schizophrenia, FYI, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction. Onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the patient's self-reported experiences and observed behavior.
So basically you are hallucinating but about relationships. That means you would assume you would have certain level of relationship with someone while from their side it does not exist. It only exists in your head. E.g., thinking you are close to a person when you are not. Also to hear what you want to out of those people. Like if they try to say that they can care for another person and not you, and that there is a difference in their behaviour about the two of you, you misconstrue it as they care about you and not the other person. Their subtlety and compassion will be concocted as love, affection, companionship.
So while in your mind the standard of friendship is different. Again refer to the last bit of the definition- onset is young adulthood. Since this phenomena of RS is related mainly to love and friendship, I think the age frame is appropriate.
Also, you will in most probability not realise that you have this till you have the proof of the same, i.e., it has to be pointed out to you.
Psychological Elbowing:-
A term I picked up from basketball, or is at least closest to. Elbowing would be trying to upset the other team’s player who is checking you by thrusting/ shoving your elbow into his ribs or stomach or face. The idea is to irritate him, to push him out of his comfort zone, to upset his focus. Basically it’s doing whatever is necessary to secure your point/position.
Hence when you want you opponent to be pushed to their limit you use PE. You use psychological warfare, only with a difference. You try to edge the guy out. You use the old ‘sarcastic off hand comment’. You are messing with his head. And he knows that. You try to upset him by being patient with him or by being friendly to him. Worse, you are friendly to his friends. He gets the same feeling that he would have if he was elbowed in the stomach. His body convolutes and he has pretty much lost his appetite. Sounds horrible doesn’t it. It is. Believe me. Having had used this I know its pretty hard living with yourself if you do employ this technique. But it also is very efficient. I did PE the person out in about a week and they had to answer back.
So I suggest use this only in great need.
Okay so a word of advice here, the above stated theories are for (private) enjoyment. Do not judge me on it or worse question me on it.
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