“I wanna be a STAR”

I had an epiphany recently.

(which was... read on...)

I had always thought I was a romantic, the kind that pines for love, the kind of kindred spirit that searches for its other half… you know all your regular starry eyed movie stuff. And it has always eluded me. It was always a glance away, a few steps ahead of me; it’s always been a tease. Exasperating isn’t it? Or at least sounds so. And this got me to thinking, there has to be a rational explanation why this irrational feeling called love dodges me.
But really it doesn’t really evade me always. There have been a couple of times that I had come very close to having it, to having someone special in my life… and I did a 180 degree turn and walked away. Every time. I walked away from love. Not many in this world dare to this. And I would convince myself that the person isn’t right for me, or isn’t a perfect match. In a way, now I know, it was the right thing to do because I wasn’t looking for love.

That’s when I had my epiphany. It was not love I was after, it was something similar yet so very different I was after, which I had confused with love. I was after “stardom”. It is totally opposite of love is all about: being the alone with someone special, living for them and only them and not caring for the rest of the world. But they are the similar too: when you are in love you are the star for the other person. I am enamoured with this feeling, of being the only important thing in someone’s life. And obviously like love, stardom is addictive to the extent of being destructive. But the most important reason I confused my search for stardom with love was because when you are in love, you promise the other person to be a witness for their lives. To be there to celebrate everything about them, and ensure the world wouldn’t forget about them. And that’s what I want. I didn’t want a life which would go unnoticed except by a few people. I want don’t want to be forgotten, I don’t want to feel invisible. I guess that’s why I want stardom, the attention of all. It’s almost stifling for me to think that I would live my entire life just being Meghna Singh: a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend. And nothing more. Not a great leader or an Oscar winning actor or business empire builder in league with Bill Gates and Donald Trumps of the world. Just another one of the millions of “people”.

I guess, this is one of the reason I actually like Paris Hilton. Because she refused to go down in history just as a “Hilton empire heiress” and actually made something of herself- and I am not here to discuss her methods. But what I am do admire about her, is that she is an entity in herself now. And not just a mere carrier of the Hilton genes.

It shouldn’t be too surprising for the people who know me to understand. I have always, always thrived in attention.

Anyhow, I guess the realisation was the easy part. The hard part is the “coming through”. I somehow have to find a way to be this star. Till I do achieve that… Good night and good luck. Yes, another George Clooney (or should I say cloo-ni!!!!) movie.