Titanic: the ship of dreams...

Okay, so this one has no fancy prolougue...but is just "straight from the gut"...

After hours of endless/useless TV viewing, I stumbled across an old favourite of mine, Titanic. Its not very festive in its mood per se, but… But after a long time, I missed someone. I missed him tonight as I saw the old lady reminiscence about a lost love. And I wondered how alike our lives are, or in fact would be. The first few fumbled steps to the mere few hours it took for her to fall for him, to the doubts and anger and finally the moment she lost it all. And I wondered, after all this is over, after I am through with this God forsaken MBA and married, after I have had children and grandchildren and seen more deaths than births, after I have lived the “best years” of my life, and while I lay awake at night, will I still sometimes wonder about ‘what if’, will my mind wander into that arena again. Will I still in some corner of my heart hope that…will I still love him, miss him, long to hear his voice and be angry at what he had said or not said. Will we still be friends? No, probably not. It’ll be too hard. And so will I, in my senile stage wonder out loud, or will I keep my disappointments close to my heart, as Rose did. Will I still write of him, for him, to him? Will I still forsake my nights sleep to write about that magical time in life, when I realised what love means. Will it still hurt the way it did, or matter of fact, does.

The one thing I love about this movie is that every time I watch it I cry. I cry because I see it in a different light every time. The first time I cried was because Leonardo di’Caprio died, the second time I cried because someone’s love died, third because I felt what if that happened to me, and now I cried because I know more now than I ever did. I cried because Rose didnt let go.

And so as I try to sleep this cold Febuary night, trying to get over him, thinking about all that, that could have been there had I not fallen, as I try to feel okay not seeing him and as I hope for a better tomorrow, I know,… I know I will be there one day with Rose, at the ledge, reminded of him, deciding finally to let the diamond go… and I will hear the bagpipes in the background and with my lungs filled with the salty breeze of the sea, feel, “ a life well lived!!"